Thank you for shedding light on the discovery part of the NPE experience and recentering it on the NPE. Some of us spent more time and energy centering others’ feelings over our own… and it’s about time we refocus and fully process.
Thanks for sharing, Priscilla. Oh yes, I did that at the beginning, because that’s what I had done my whole life. It wasn’t until I had been in therapy for a while that I understood how I was processing it all through other people, and couldn’t say what I felt about it. I could empathize with my dad, my birth mother, my aunt who knew but didn’t tell me, which sounds like a good thing, but it didn’t allow me to process my own grief, to validate my own feelings. It took me a while to even be able to identify my own feelings! When I did, it was hard at first. I remember crying uncontrollably for days after a revelatory therapy session, asking my husband how this is any better. But it did allow me to finally process it all, to let the pain flow out of my body. I feel so much lighter now.
I hope you’ve been able to refocus and process as well. :)
Thank you for sharing, Tracey. You've been so brave. I'm still oscillating between compassion and self-compassion but I'll get there eventually. Processing through writing at the moment.
Writing has been like self-therapy through all of this! Writing my thoughts out helps them not get stuck in my head. I've found it very helpful for processing the DNA discovery and all that came after. I understand.
No. Don't talk to the people who hid the truth about your real father. I figured it out, on my own, that my father was not my real father and have no idea who the real one is. This means I also have no full blooded siblings. If a person isn't treated right amongst the children in the family, there's a high probability of a different father existing. I saw this for myself, personally. Not only do I resemble only my mother, but others who saw pictures of my "father" didn't believe he could be either
Lissy, I also don't resemble my Dad (the man who raised me), nor do I resemble the sisters I grew up with, who I now know aren't biologically related to me at all. I didn't let myself think about it, until faced with the DNA that made me think about.
Everyone's situation is different. My birth mother left me and my dad when I was a baby, and I always felt like we had a special relationship because of that – he took care of me when she didn't, and I was never treated badly by my parents (Dad and stepmom).
I'm not sure what part of my post you're responding to – it's about some ways that friends and acquaintances can support those going through this shocking discovery, not about talking to birth mothers or others who hid the truth. I'm curious though about your reasons for not talking to people who hid the truth. Again, everyone approaches this differently and I'd like to understand your experience better! Thank you for sharing.
I am going through this right now. I found out three weeks ago from my cousin. He finally told me because I was about to meet my half brother that I had never met in my life. When I told my cousin I was going to meet my half brother he realized I was going to meet my half brother from a father who is not biologically my father. So the half brother I’ve been dreaming about for the last 17 years isn’t really my half brother. I did not end up meeting him.
My father who passed away 20 years ago, that I have been mourning very confused and frustratingly, is not my biological father. My biological father is my aunts, ex husbands, brothers. So my biological father is also my uncle through marriage. My mom was married to my biological father for the first few years of life. My dad who adopted me, abandoned 100% his first born son, adopted me, and then abandoned me several times until he passed when I was 16.
My biological father is rumored to be an alcoholic/drug addict in and out of jail. The family is generally estranged from him, but through a friend of a friend type situation they would be able to track him down. My entire family knew about this for my entire life, 35 years. Beyond that, at least several members from the small community I grew up in knew of this information as well. So far I’ve counted several people outside my family who knew about this as well, so all in all at the very least 20 people knew this my whole life.
Your article is very much appreciated. I learned of this info three weeks ago, and at least a few more secrets came out over the past few weeks. I am sure there are more. I feel beyond shattered, alone, confused, frustrated… mortified to a very high degree. I feel like I don’t know who to turn to at all. I’m hoping to find a trauma group to get into.
Did you have a hard time functioning immediately after? I’ve called out of probably a dozen appointments and work shifts. One second I’m crying hysterically and the next I’m screaming with rage and the next I feel empty and numb. It’s the most awful feeling. I really thought some of my earlier life traumas would be the greatest things I would have to work through and overcome, but now I got this. I need help and support.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, Daniel, it is such difficult news to grapple with. It’s so hard to have the reality of who you are turned upside down, especially knowing that so many people around you kept it from you.
You’re not alone, there are so many others affected by these discoveries (including me), who understand how you are feeling, even if our situations are all different.
Yes, 100% I had difficulty functioning for months after the news. I had a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that consumed me – it was hard to concentrate on anything else and largely dissociated from my body. It was like an intense grieving period, but for my own identity and what I thought was 'real' about my family and life story. Thankfully I was working part-time remotely and was able to take time to just not be alright for a while and the people I worked with were understanding.
It does get better over time, but the beginning is rough. I don’t know this therapist personally, but he offers a free 30 min consultation which might in itself be helpful to you, assuming you're in the U.S: https://mpetraumacoach.com
I hope you get the help and support you need. I know how hard it is to process all this! If you're on Facebook, a private NPE group might be the best place to start.
Thank you for shedding light on the discovery part of the NPE experience and recentering it on the NPE. Some of us spent more time and energy centering others’ feelings over our own… and it’s about time we refocus and fully process.
Thanks for sharing, Priscilla. Oh yes, I did that at the beginning, because that’s what I had done my whole life. It wasn’t until I had been in therapy for a while that I understood how I was processing it all through other people, and couldn’t say what I felt about it. I could empathize with my dad, my birth mother, my aunt who knew but didn’t tell me, which sounds like a good thing, but it didn’t allow me to process my own grief, to validate my own feelings. It took me a while to even be able to identify my own feelings! When I did, it was hard at first. I remember crying uncontrollably for days after a revelatory therapy session, asking my husband how this is any better. But it did allow me to finally process it all, to let the pain flow out of my body. I feel so much lighter now.
I hope you’ve been able to refocus and process as well. :)
Thank you for sharing, Tracey. You've been so brave. I'm still oscillating between compassion and self-compassion but I'll get there eventually. Processing through writing at the moment.
Writing has been like self-therapy through all of this! Writing my thoughts out helps them not get stuck in my head. I've found it very helpful for processing the DNA discovery and all that came after. I understand.
No. Don't talk to the people who hid the truth about your real father. I figured it out, on my own, that my father was not my real father and have no idea who the real one is. This means I also have no full blooded siblings. If a person isn't treated right amongst the children in the family, there's a high probability of a different father existing. I saw this for myself, personally. Not only do I resemble only my mother, but others who saw pictures of my "father" didn't believe he could be either
Lissy, I also don't resemble my Dad (the man who raised me), nor do I resemble the sisters I grew up with, who I now know aren't biologically related to me at all. I didn't let myself think about it, until faced with the DNA that made me think about.
Everyone's situation is different. My birth mother left me and my dad when I was a baby, and I always felt like we had a special relationship because of that – he took care of me when she didn't, and I was never treated badly by my parents (Dad and stepmom).
I'm not sure what part of my post you're responding to – it's about some ways that friends and acquaintances can support those going through this shocking discovery, not about talking to birth mothers or others who hid the truth. I'm curious though about your reasons for not talking to people who hid the truth. Again, everyone approaches this differently and I'd like to understand your experience better! Thank you for sharing.
I am going through this right now. I found out three weeks ago from my cousin. He finally told me because I was about to meet my half brother that I had never met in my life. When I told my cousin I was going to meet my half brother he realized I was going to meet my half brother from a father who is not biologically my father. So the half brother I’ve been dreaming about for the last 17 years isn’t really my half brother. I did not end up meeting him.
My father who passed away 20 years ago, that I have been mourning very confused and frustratingly, is not my biological father. My biological father is my aunts, ex husbands, brothers. So my biological father is also my uncle through marriage. My mom was married to my biological father for the first few years of life. My dad who adopted me, abandoned 100% his first born son, adopted me, and then abandoned me several times until he passed when I was 16.
My biological father is rumored to be an alcoholic/drug addict in and out of jail. The family is generally estranged from him, but through a friend of a friend type situation they would be able to track him down. My entire family knew about this for my entire life, 35 years. Beyond that, at least several members from the small community I grew up in knew of this information as well. So far I’ve counted several people outside my family who knew about this as well, so all in all at the very least 20 people knew this my whole life.
Your article is very much appreciated. I learned of this info three weeks ago, and at least a few more secrets came out over the past few weeks. I am sure there are more. I feel beyond shattered, alone, confused, frustrated… mortified to a very high degree. I feel like I don’t know who to turn to at all. I’m hoping to find a trauma group to get into.
Did you have a hard time functioning immediately after? I’ve called out of probably a dozen appointments and work shifts. One second I’m crying hysterically and the next I’m screaming with rage and the next I feel empty and numb. It’s the most awful feeling. I really thought some of my earlier life traumas would be the greatest things I would have to work through and overcome, but now I got this. I need help and support.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation, Daniel, it is such difficult news to grapple with. It’s so hard to have the reality of who you are turned upside down, especially knowing that so many people around you kept it from you.
You’re not alone, there are so many others affected by these discoveries (including me), who understand how you are feeling, even if our situations are all different.
Yes, 100% I had difficulty functioning for months after the news. I had a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions that consumed me – it was hard to concentrate on anything else and largely dissociated from my body. It was like an intense grieving period, but for my own identity and what I thought was 'real' about my family and life story. Thankfully I was working part-time remotely and was able to take time to just not be alright for a while and the people I worked with were understanding.
The NPE Facebook groups helped a lot, as did therapy, and reading other people’s stories. I list some of those resources in this post: https://writeoutofhiding.substack.com/p/we-are-carriers-of-freedom-part-2
It does get better over time, but the beginning is rough. I don’t know this therapist personally, but he offers a free 30 min consultation which might in itself be helpful to you, assuming you're in the U.S: https://mpetraumacoach.com
I hope you get the help and support you need. I know how hard it is to process all this! If you're on Facebook, a private NPE group might be the best place to start.